Last night after we had my son's birthday supper at a pizza place, my ex, the bio-dad, and I shared a really, really good hug and I said, "Well, that was some day, thirty-two years ago, wasn't it?"
And he allowed as how it had been. "It had its stressful moments," he said.
"Yeah. Longest day of my life," I said. "But we got 'er done."
He laughed. "Yep. We did. We got 'er done."
And then I said, "Do you remember how I had that stupid Martin Mull song stuck in my head the entire 28 hours?"
And we both laughed and recited together, "I've slept with thousands of girls, please be one of them./I remember all of their names and I don't make fun of them."
Which were the lyrics to that song, so incredibly inappropriate to have had in my head while in labor. I remember thinking what an IDIOT Martin Mull was and being tormented, thinking to myself that if anyone knew how horribly painful the end-results of sex could be, they would never, ever joke about sex. Ever. Again.
Or even have it, which I was definitely planning never to do.
And which I planned never to do again during each of my labors.
All four.
Sigh.
But it was just so sweet last night, that hug, that shared memory and I am so grateful that he and I have the sort of relationship now where we can have those moments because there's no one else in the world who shares those same exact memories with me.
And having that person to hug and share with, all these years later after all the Sturm und Drang and bitterness and anger of separation and divorce and custody and child support issues is just...well, a damn blessing.
Work that shit out, folks. Work it out. And not just for your kids, even though that's the best reason to do it, but for yourself because when you do you're left with a sort of joy that no amount of self-satisfied, smug righteous indignation could ever leave you with.
I promise.
I shared a similar hug with my son's father last week at graduation. Thank-you for putting into words what i felt, but coudn't quite see. My best friend thought it was a "Wish things were different" kind of feeling. But it wasn't. I don't regret the decisions I made, but that moment caught me off guard..and now I know why. That shared experience...no drama or daydream can change that or take that away.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the insight.
My husband and I truly enjoy the company of my ex and his wife. They are fine people and fun to be around and we all consider each other "family" which we are and that's all there is to it.
ReplyDeleteWe're lucky.
As a woman who grew up in a "broken home" I just want to say that there is nothing broken about a family who loves each other completely and without reservation, no matter where you spend the night. I get so frustrated when I hear about people staying together for the children. Do people want to teach their children that it's okay to live without love? Do they want to teach their children that what they have to look forward to as parents is tension and relief in avoidance? We go to relationship school in our parent's houses (thank you, Mama) and it's good to see them find their way, it's good to see them fall in love, it's good good good to catch sight of a little grab ass in the kitchen and if that means that they need to be with people that are not related to us by blood, so be it.
ReplyDeleteIs it going to take 32 years for my future-ex and I to get to this place??? I don't think I have that much time left, I don't think I want to have that much time left.
ReplyDeleteMy son will turn 32 on Monday, what was going on in September, 1975 - was there something in the water?
Oh for sure it is. Benny's dad and I are quite friendly. Friends? Not yet. But we're fine with each other.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, it's the best thing I could ask for.
hmm, well I was never married, and I don't have kids, but I do have an ex fiance that I dated for 4 years...it's nice being friendly with him I guess, and I just recently hung out with him at a music festival a few weeks back (after no contact for several years), and there was some . I'm still not quite over the hurt of how our relationship ended however...although it's only been 5 years, not 32...
ReplyDeleteOh, May! You are right, as always. But....Grab ass? In our house? You must be hallucinating!
ReplyDeleteThat would never happen.
(tee-hee)
Ms. MOB- Uh, there has to be a reason to want to remain friends with your ex. From what I've read, I'm not sure you have one. But maybe it will happen. If you quit letting him move back in! Did he find a house yet?
Aunt Becky- yep. And as time passes, it'll get even better.
And AE- sometimes the hurt is awful big and if there are no children involved, it may or may not happen. Depends on whether or not it needs to. But it's good when frayed ends are knotted up neatly and feelings can be soothed, isn't it?