Thursday, October 2, 2008

Looking Up

When I was on my way to the doctor's office yesterday morning, I saw a sign in front of a small church that said, "When you need peace, look up."
Well, I did and saw plenty of blue sky and light and I thought that was fine advice no matter what level you choose to take it on. Of course I had to turn my eyes quickly back to the road to drive, but that second of sky and trees and light was calming.
I had forgotten that sign until I I downloaded this picture I took yesterday afternoon. This banana spider has made her web not on the porch, which is where most of them seem to, but way up in the sky between a young magnolia and a post we used to put the pea-climbing fence up for the garden last spring.
This web is high in the air. I mean like maybe oh, fifteen feet up. That spider- she is looking for high-flying, juicy traffic and I'm not sure why I glanced up to see her there when I was outside, turning the sprinkler on the garden but I did and I was amazed. Her web stretches at least ten feet from tree to post and she is poised on it like she was dancing on thick, strong air.


The doctor visit went fine. I saw a different nurse practitioner whom I'd never met and to make a long story short, she actually touched me as one human to another and we both teared up, discussing the empty nest. Her son moved out twelve years ago and she is still missing him and didn't find it ridiculous that the recent changes I've found myself going through would be enough to send me into this mysterious and tentative place I seem to be inhabiting. She encouraged me to find "someone" to talk to and I swear, I will. It's time.
I came home and Miss Maybelle came over and we watched an old movie called Crimes of the Heart with the dogs all over us and we wondered why they don't make movies like that anymore. Movies where people act like people really do, pulling up panty hose and laughing inappropriately and wearing the lime green gardening gloves of a dead person to work in the garden and having really, really bad days.
Both of us are trying to find the light again, Miss Maybelle and I, and it was lovely to be able to laugh together at three sisters, trying to do the same in an old house somewhere in the south.
I sent her home with a plant that I'd rooted and a quart jar of soup and a bunch of old magazines and Lord knows I'd do anything for any of my kids, but that was all I could do today.
She did more for me than she knows.
I know she'll be okay, Miss Maybelle, because she's wise and she's endured more pain than most people I know and can still dance.
I can't tell you how proud I am of my kids and the way they've moved into the world, each of them with more bravery and bravado than I can ever imagine having.
They look up. My kids look up. And whether any of us will ever find peace, I have no idea. I don't know if that's really what's on the agenda for us humans. But it's a good thing to do, looking up.
When there is darkness in the soul, it's good to be reminded that there is light in the sky and that no matter what is going on in our hearts, there are spiders building webs that will probably last longer than they themselves do, stretching from tree to post. Spiders have short lives, and so do we, relatively.
We can pass all of our physical exams with flying colors and die suddenly of something no one could have detected.
Or, we can live long, long lives. There is no way to know.
But continuously looking down is no way to live. That church sign had it right. We need to remember to look up. Not necessarily for a god in the sky, but just for the sky itself. To be aware that although we may not be here forever, there is a sort of eternity and that we are part of it. At the very heart of it all, our being here has some sort of meaning, even if it is only that we are one tiny, minuscule strand in the brilliant web of it all.
That each strand of us has some purpose in all of this.
That's what I try to remember.
That's what I try to believe as I walk through this life, my feet so often literally in the dirt. That it is good to look up and be reminded.

12 comments:

  1. May said she had a great time yesterday out there. She came by and watched tv and advised me while I made MONSTER FEET! Which are actually a good reason to look down, not that I think about it, but not enough of one to not keep looking up.

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  2. You are just a cool lady, Ms. Moon. And, how often does that happen, where you actually do connect with your practitioner on that level? Glad the visit turned out well.

    Oh, and I am fascinated by spiders and their webs, so I liked those pictures.

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  3. I'm glad that you had that nice talk with the nurse. And I think that you having "someone to talk to" would be a really good thing.
    And thanks for saying that stuff about us kiddies.

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  4. Oh Ms Moon, that was beautiful.

    So beautiful.

    I found "someone to talk to" last year and it led to much much freedom and peace, even if it was a little scary at first. You are an inspiring woman, and I know I only know you through this strange interconnection of "blog-world" but I am very very thankful to have happened upon your words here. Thank you for sharing. You are making the world a brighter place...or at least my life. And I think that counts.

    Best,

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  5. You are so fabulous! truly inspiring to me as I struggle and trudge through the bullshit that is my life. I took your advice and read Miss Maybelle's waitress post and I think I love her too...figures as she IS your daughter.
    ps thanx for the reminder to look up...I did and saw how beautiful the trees in the backyard look!
    smooches

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  6. Thank you all so very much. DTG- I can't wait to see them monster toes of yours.

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  7. I just watched Crimes of the Heart - again - last weekend. It filled a need in me, I guess, and about 2 hours.

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  8. Isn't it a great movie, Ms. MOB? So many fantastic lines. Have you seen Miss Firecracker? Same playwright. Holly Hunter's in it. Terrific.

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  9. Now you made me cry. That was so beautiful, Mama. And I did have a great time yesterday. It was like a little vacation.

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  10. Yep, Miss Maybelle. It was a sweet little vacation, wasn't it?
    And hey- WE'RE not crazy. Can you help me get this chandelier off?

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  11. Ok, this is just too good. All of it. I always feel better after reading your entries Ms. Moon. Thanks you for sharing.

    Crimes is a great movie and looking up is as therapeutic as almost anything else that's recommended. May I also suggest along the lines of Crimes a movie called "Daddy's dying who's got the will" So good. Sooooo good.

    I want to know what Monster feet are... I'm reading archives, is it a Halloween thing?
    xoxo PF

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  12. Petit Fleur- I have seen Daddy's Dying many times. Yes, it's great. The monster feet were something Hank was working on for a costume party.

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