Thursday, February 19, 2009

Me, Myself, My Own Worst Enemy


I'm sitting in my office, plugged into dial-up because the wireless is out because we had a storm last night and although they've brought the electricity back, the wireless, no, she is stubborn.
My office is a place I love so much that I hardly ever come in here.
Make sense?
Yeah, only if you're insane.
I've come to realize lately that I have about as much hope to be "a writer" when I grow up as I do to be Miss America. Like- uh, a little late for both.

God, it's a beautiful office.

I have so many of the things I love the best in here. Pictures of Frida and Tarzan and John and Yoko and my husband and my babies and Lynn and beautiful things my children have made for me or given me and mermaids and a garden gnome and candles and Cozumel and it's just...heaven.

It's sort of like when we had a house with a pool and I hardly ever went in the pool, except maybe on weekends because pools mean vacations and life is not, my friends, a vacation.
I only come out to the office when I have the courage and self-esteem to believe in my writing and that comes so rarely these days.

I can blog anywhere but writing? That needs to be done in the office and me? A writer?

Well, anyway, blah, blah, blah and that's how I feel today. Like I'll never be a writer and like I seem to not be anything else either and I'm lost, a swirling bellyful of emotions and wires that prick and pull and make a thousand tiny cuts in my insides even though it's the most beautiful day and the Japanese magnolia is blooming and so is the redbud and the azaleas are starting to show some purple petals as well.

Sorry this is what I have to offer today. It sure isn't much.

But I'll tell you what- I'm going to make myself come out here and write. Every day. EVERY DAY, dammit. I don't care how I feel or how lousy my prose is. Because look- this is the river I've been cast into- the rushing waters of words and I swear, I need to figure out how to let go and flow with it or else bash my head on the rocks trying to figure out how to keep myself from drowning.

No one can do this for me. No one can stop me, either.
Only me.

Only me.

14 comments:

  1. I went to a conference last week. and bought a book. that i can't bear to read. Because all those words? They are my words. The only difference is that she put them down on paper and mine are still stuck up in my head.
    Do it. Write them down. They don't breathe when they are stuck in your head. They die.

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  2. This is why writers drink. Seriously. If you didn't feel this way a lot, THEN you would not be a writer... or an artist. I feel sure those things go together, just ride it out. You'll get there.

    xoxo m

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  3. You are so right. Only you can make you do it. But if you do follow through with your approach I think you will be happy. The hardest part is just doing it, and if you dedicate yourself then hopefully it will work out for you. Good luck.
    And I think you know I was kidding about what shirt to wear when I get my first picture taken with Baby Shifley. I promise I will look respectable.

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  4. Being published doesn't make someone a writer, because any idiot can throw some nonsense crap together and get it printed in book form.

    You, on the other hand are a writer. You make people think about things and feel things, regardless of whether or not they want to.

    So go to your office if you must, but I'd read your writing even if you informed me you wrote it while sitting on the crapper.

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  5. last I checked, blogging does involve almost exclusively writing :)

    I think you just need to change your interpretation of the word "writer" and then you'll find out that you already are one!

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  6. Thank god. It's about damn time you wrote. You've barely written anything in the past...wait...no... I think you have been writing every day, which I love and rely on greatly. But I do think it's good to go out in that office of yours and enjoy it, because that's why it's there. It serves us no other purpose than for you to enjoy it!

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  7. You write. We read. Install an Adsense thingy and I'll even click on it and you'll make money.
    The office idea is a good one - I hear that 'published authors' go into one every morning, stay in it for a certain number of hours or until they've written so many words, then they're done work for the day. Writing in a set place at a set time builds discipline, supposedly...

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  8. You can do it Mamacita! You can do it all night long! Or maybe, actually, all day long. Nighttime is for sleeping.

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  9. Just Me- I know, I know. It's just this old-fashioned dream of holding a book in my hands that I wrote. You know?

    Petit Fleur- Thank you, honey. I'm trying.

    Mr. Shife- I knew you were kidding about the shirt. You're a sweet fella, you know that?

    Rachel- Well, the crapper is one place I never write. The crapper is for READING. Thank-you.

    Ms. Eden- I have thought about that.

    HoneyLuna- Yes, and because I enjoy it so much, it SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED!

    MOB- No. Can't go the Adsense route. That would be about fifty cents a day. But yes, you are right, some of the best advice about writing I ever heard was tht the muse really just needs to know where to find you- thus, regular hours.

    Miss Maybelle- You're so dear. And so correct about sleeping!

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  10. ok. first...i have the BEST word verification word: shemunbe. it is a word to bless with. or curse with. depending on the light of the moon.
    wait. maybe it is she..mun..be. very zen telling you to just be yourself.
    Which brings me to the reason for my 2nd comment:
    abandoning eden has said it..you are a writer already. And the boooks that you will write will be an outpouring of what you do so very well.

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  11. You, Miss Thang, are most definitely a writer, no matter what you are writing. I don't have a huge list of blogs that I read, but yours is the one that moves me the most, no matter what you're writing about. It is most definitely (at least one of) your gift(s). Your stories paint vivid pictures, and stir emotions in a way that is surprising and profound.

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  12. Just Me- Don't you love those verification words? I do. That was a good one. I should print it up on a card and put it over my desk. Maybe I will....

    GingerMagnolia- Well. I am thinking about these things. Pondering them in my heart, as it were.
    Thank-you, dear.

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  13. yes only you.

    i totally, completely get this.

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  14. "- this is the river I've been cast into- the rushing waters of words and I swear, I need to figure out how to let go and flow with it or else bash my head on the rocks trying to figure out how to keep myself from drowning."

    that is the best thing i've read in a long time. amazing. you've got it in you that's for sure!!

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