Tell Us What She's Won, Don Pardo!

Life, babies, can be cruel. You see that wasp on the cucumber vine right there? If you look carefully, you can see he's duking it out with a caterpillar, all rolled into a ball and trying to escape. I am here to tell you he did not but was flown off by the wasp like a very unhappy passenger on a cargo plane to be taken back to the cannibal island to be eaten.
Cruel for the caterpillar, but kind to the cucumber vines which will not be fed on by that particular bug, at least.

The cukes are coming in and I am delighted to see them, little nubbins like tiny Jolly Green Giant baby boy penises. Sorry, but that's what they look like to me, all decked out in one of those "Woman pleasing" (as if) french tickler ribbed things you can buy in the gas station lady's room. They are pre-gerkin size if you want to get technical. Lis asked me this morning if I am going to make pickles this year and I sighed and said that if there are enough cucumbers, I probably will. I'll get out the old canning jars and the vinegars and cloves and dill and sugar and all that stuff you use to make the dills and the sweets and even though it's a special sort of hell, boiling vinegar on the stove in 100 degree weather, it's a very fine thing to see those jars lined up on the counter, popping their lids down when they come out of the canning kettle to seal themselves.
A very fine thing indeed.

The heat has finally broken a tiny bit, like a patient suffering from malaria whose aches and chills and fever have finally dissipated overnight. You know it'll all be back, but there is a slight breeze and there's not that crazy weird baking feeling we've been having. It's still plenty hot- over ninety, but ninety-something is better than a hundred-and-something, especially with a breeze. Now if we could only get a sweet afternoon shower, life would be even better.

The last few days have been filled with friends and so much fun and it's strange how all these social events stacked up into three short days and every moment was a joy but it's rather lovely to have the place to myself this afternoon. I've been out to see my hens several times to feed them a bit of cantaloupe that Kathleen brought over for them last night, and a few collard leaves. Dolly P. actually clucked at me. CLUCKED! This was the first cluck I've heard out of my lady birds so far. They are indeed growing up into real chickens and nothing soothes me like watching them peck and then nap in a cool place in the dirt they've wallowed out with their feathers. Perhaps I should find a couch at the dump and bring it home and put it in their pen to lay on and read while they cluck around me. This sounds like heaven, even knowing they'd shit all over it.
Have I lost my mind?
Well, maybe, but it's a gentle losing and I don't care if I have. So there.

The young birds are still fine. I gave them a bit of sugar water last night as a tonic and they loved it. I hope I have not turned them into diabetics. I put them out into the box of death this morning for a bit for some fresh air while it was still cool and they have all survived and are back in their indoor cage. Mr. Moon is going to have to come up with some new in-coop open-air arrangement for this babies because they are getting too big and too strong to stay inside for
much longer.

And speaking of Mr. Moon- he and I are in the pre-honeymoon phase of our honeymoon trip and I have to say it's mighty fun. We are acting a little like teenagers and just for your information, that IS possible, even when you're old and besides that, we all have all the ages we've ever been inside of us at all times if you can just locate them and so there!
I've gotten my confirmation stuff all printed for our flights and our room and I have bought new skirts. I also want to say that if the Gap adjusts its sizes any more to make us all feel thinner than we are, they are going to have to start having sizes like 00 and 000. I have decided that they just took all the sizes and removed the ones in front of them so that an old twelve is now a two and an old fourteen is now a four and so forth.
Well, this works for me and I don't feel nearly as obese in the Gap dressing room as I do in the Goodwill dressing room (HoneyLuna, you are RIGHT ABOUT THEIR MIRRORS!) and between being able to buy skirts with a ridiculously small size printed on them and on major sale, I am now ready to go to Cozumel. Linen, linen, more linen and some cotton. That will be it. Flipflops. And some waterproof make-up because believe it or not, Ms. Moon actually wears make-up in Cozumel because...I CAN! Again, so there. Eye make-up, at least, in mermaid colors, of course.

I am not taking my computer to Mexico because I want to do nothing but read, journal, and concentrate on my husband. I am sure I will be jonesing but that's just too bad. I am thinking to have a few guest posts at the ready but haven't finalized that plan yet. I have four weeks and two days before I leave (but who's counting?) so there's plenty of time.
Oh wait. I haven't bought a bathing suit yet.
Hmmmm. Well. It will happen. I saw one the other day that I sort of liked but it cost one hundred dollars and that's just ridiculous. I will swim in the nude before I pay a hundred dollars for a bathing suit.

And so here I am in this delightful place of being at home which I love with all my heart and having just been able to visit with and play with some of the people I love the most and also, having fun with my husband and at the same time, looking forward to a trip I think is going to be amazingly magical and wonderful and then after that I am going to have a grandchild.

You know- I feel like I've just won one of those old game shows on TV where when the prizes are listed at the end, they just keep going on.

Don. Tell us what Ms. Moon has won today! Well, Monty, Ms. Moon has won this beautiful new stainless steel, side-by-side refrigerator with ice and water in the door as well as this stackable brand new washer and dryer set in ruby red! But that's not all. We want to make sure that she has plenty of food to go in that refrigerator so we've given her a one-million dollar gift certificate, good for the rest of her life! to Publix! And...to make sure she has plenty of laundry to do in her new machines, a gift certificate to ANY STORE SHE WANTS TO SHOP AT FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE for another million dollars. But that's not ALL, Monty! To give her a break from the routine of shopping, cooking, and washing, we're giving her a trip around the world that will take her to every continent, every ocean and every island on the planet. It will take fifteen years to complete and she and Mr. Moon will make the voyage on this beautiful, state of the art, magnificent antique sailing vessel with a full crew to cater to their every need! (Insert picture of smiling pool boy and smiling massage boy and happy, smiling cook boy.) But that's not ALL! She also gets every wish her heart ever desired and if she runs out of wishes, we have a special wish therapist expert to help her wish for more! AND, to complete the package, she will magically be at her ideal weight for the rest of her life no matter what she eats, drinks, or whether or not she exercises. (Did we mention the lifetime supply of beautiful, soft, leather purses?) And that's not all!

Really. That's how I feel.


Sitting on my porch, not sweating, being happy.
And now it's clouding up and maybe it will even rain.

In the game show of life, I believe I chose the right door.
The one labeled Love And That's Not All.
The one with all the chickens clucking behind it, happily eating collard greens and cantaloupe.
The one with wasps and caterpillars and cucumbers and spiders and yes, even dogs.
The very best one for me.