Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Denim Girdles And Other Wonders Of Modern Life

That picture has nothing to do with anything. It's one of my tiny begonia blossoms. They are so delicate, so pink. Nothing you could pick and put in a vase. Well, you could but they look so nice on the plant it wouldn't be seemly somehow.

I took it because my back yard is just so beautiful right now. The sun is shining down through the magnolia leaves and the ground is dappled in that light and it's cool but not cold and the chickens are busy pecking around at the corn I gave them and there's a plane overhead, flying somewhere.

I went and peed in the cup. The nurse practitioner was as nice as nice can be. Nothing showed up in the pee that shouldn't be there but the NP said that if I've been drinking a lot of water (and believe me- I have) it can be so dilute that they can't find anything but they're sending it off to be cultured- where? and doesn't that sound like they're going to show my urine artworks and Fellini films or perhaps turn it into yogurt? and yes, I know what it means because I am a NURSE, goddammit, and don't you forget it! even if I try to. And she gave me a 'script for a bactericide of sorts to prohibit the reproduction of the bacteria if they are there and so let's hope things clear up because my lady bits, as delicate as that begonia blossom, I am sure, are important to me. Also my plumbing bits, if you want to know the truth. And who wants bacteria reproducing right there in one's urinary tract? Not me.

So then to further punish myself I went to the MALL and tried on jeans. Fuck that shit. They don't make jeans to fit me and why should they? After having weighed at the doctor's office, I can no longer float down the river of denial, waving my handkerchief to the people on the shore and eating candied dates one second more. I am fat. Well, if not fat, then at least close enough until the real thing walks down the road, as a woman I used to know used to say. I wonder if she still says it. It's a good line.

Okay. Back to jeans. I have decided that if they MUST put spandex in jeans, they should use a mixture of 99.5 % cotton and .5 % spandex because dammit, 1 % spandex makes them feel like leggin's and I don't want to wear leggin's unless I have a dress over them. Know what I'm saying? And get this- they make "slimming" jeans. I tried on a pair. You know what they were? A girdle with legs on them. Made of denim.

Again, I must say- fuck that shit. I'd rather just look fat. What Marquise de Sade came up with that idea? Fuck him.

I did see a shirt that I coveted. It was gray silk and could have been one of the four perfect shirts you get in your lifetime. Can you name yours? I can name mine. Anyway, I didn't even bother to try it on because it cost $168 fucking dollars.
Right. No way.
Gonna have to be some one else's perfect shirt because it sure ain't going to be mine.

I did find Kathleen a birthday present and that made me happy. Not at the mall. It was made by a local artist and that made me even happier. I hope she likes it. She's so generous and loving to me and has pulled me into life when I didn't want to be pulled and I want to tell her how much I appreciate that and love her. Isn't it the hardest thing in the world to buy presents for someone you really care about? You want them to show just how much you love them and appreciate them and really- WHAT can show that? Home made gifts are the best and last year I made her one of my silly Mary boxes and I know I could string her up a necklace of macaroni and she'd claim she loved it but still....

And then I went to a restaurant in the vicinity because OWEN, MY GRANDSON, WAS THERE with his parents who were eating lunch so I stopped in to inhale his head. I swear, I could just SNORT his head. I try. I do. He was asleep but I snorted and inhaled quietly and he didn't wake up. It was bliss.

And I'm trying to shake this ennui, this sadness, this weird bit of unreasonable funk. I have observed that all of us who inhabit this blog world I read, the ones who are members of the batshit crazy, spend a lot of time apologizing for being depressed or blue or crazy when THERE ARE PEOPLE DYING ALL OVER THE WORLD AND WE HAVE IT SO GREAT AND YES!!! THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN WITH NO LEGS! and of course I do that too. Repeatedly.

Well. I apologize for all the poor-me's, the pity party, the overcapitalized letters and also the number of f-words I seemed to have to throw in there. Which reminds me. I never finished telling my jeans story. Here it is:
I didn't buy any.

So I will lose weight and feel better in my old jeans which Jessie pointed out to me today I have had since she was a child but since she was a child yesterday, that means nothing.
And I'm making stuffed peppers for our supper early because I have radio play rehearsal tonight and the chickens gave me five beautiful eggs today. I believe one of my baby chickens is laying now too, because for two days I found an egg not in the nest but on the ground in the hen house and both of the eggs' shells were so thin they were more like skin than shell. I believe she is just figuring this out, whichever one it is and I wish I knew which one.
Probably Elvis who is actually Elmira after all. Damn bird hasn't crowed once or shown any interest in any of the gals so if he IS a boy, he's possibly gay or possibly just very slow growing. I think it's going to end up that I gave away Henry for no reason whatsoever and if that's true, I am going to be PISSED.

And that's what's going on this afternoon.
Perhaps you can relate to the jeans shopping. It was only slightly less agonizing than shopping for a bathing suit and slightly less traumatic than stepping on that scale.

And if you are going through terrible things, truly terrible and seriously bad things, I ask your forgiveness at making such a big deal out of such small and ridiculous anxieties. At least I know I'm being ridiculous. I do.
If I were Catholic I'd confess and say a few rosaries but I'm not so I'll just say I'm sorry, I'm an asshole, I know it, which is sort of my mantra anyway.

But I have hopes for my delicate bits all being healed soon.
And I did it- I faced my fears and peed in a cup and stepped on a scale and no one told me I was dying and I tried on jeans and didn't scream in the dressing room OR cry and there you go- another successful day.

With the added bonus of five eggs, a snort of baby-head, and being able to laugh at my poor, pathetic self.

Signing off from Lloyd and wearing overalls....Ms. Moon

22 comments:

  1. You ROCK those overalls, I am sure. The baby (just like Jessie will always be your baby) and I started planting our winter garden today and thought of you and your garden out there in Lloyd. I am fairly sure I am going to have pole beans growing in some VERY odd places (not a euphemism, unfortunately).

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  2. Funny, but not: I sat down today and popped not just the button off my pants but the little metal clasp thiny, too. I can no longer float down that river with you. And I have been the same size-albeit overweight, but rarely fluctuating-since Sam was born. Minus the period of time in which I was knocked up with MY Owen, whence I gained 15 pounds. I digress. I went in to try on new slacks to wear to court awhile back and ended up in TEARS, so I have been resolutely wearing my old things and well. I too am there with you, and it makes me sad to think of *gasp* dieting.

    Baby head=heaven, love your begonias, and I hope the lady bits are better soon. For your sake, of course.

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  3. Glad to hear you survived the day and don't worry about apologizing for being depressed. I stay depressed most of the time and have finally decided that's the way it's gonna be and some days are better than others and hugging and kissing and cuddling with my grandbabies is the best medicine. I really look forward to reading your blog by the way. I'm so glad I found it.

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  4. Miss Moon,

    A wise person once told me that just because there are people in the world with no legs, doesn't make your pains/worries any less important.

    We all fret and worry about things that seem insignificant in comparison to a full blown crisis. That doesn't mean we're wimps and whiners.

    I just thought of something funny, sung to the tune of "It's my party"... "It's your blog and you can bitch if you want to bitch if you want to..." I like the sound of that!
    xo pf

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  5. I just recently lost some weight, so I'm experiencing that little happiness that comes with being able to fit IN my old clothes. But --I almost came to tears the other day because I couldn't find a single suit to fit me well, since I am perfectly between sizes. TEARS. And I cry over, well, nothing usually.

    Anyway...I am batshit (maybe even apeshit) crazy this whole week and I don't even want to know how many obsenities I keep dropping at the office. That's right - the office.

    Maybe I should stick to the blogworld for my cursing.

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  6. I am laughing like an idiot right now. "Well, if not fat, then at least close enough until the real thing walks down the road" is going to be my new favorite saying.

    I just bought a video that has the words "shred" in the title and I think "30 days", and it's an exercise video. I'm feeling VERRRRRRRY desperate, myself.

    Thanks for the laugh (and it wasn't at your expense, it was WITH you).

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  7. i hate buying pants. there is like one store in the universe, which happens to be at the mall where i hate going to, that has pants that are long enough and need minimal tailoring at the waist.

    i'm short but petite sized pants are too short waisted so i get the regular ones and wear them in an style not seen since urkle in family matters.

    ladies jeans NEVER fit me. i think i have two pairs that almost fit right. i guess it must be me and this thing i have about not having pants so tight i get confused with the hookers down the hall from me.

    i have a student that refers to me as 'fluffy' which is much better then 'my fat ass teacher'.

    hope the uti goes away as quick as medical science will allow!

    xxalainaxx

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  8. Quit apologizing and just inhale that baby head smell. It fades too soon.

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  9. "I'm sorry, I'm an asshole, I know it." This shall be my mantra for the week.

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  10. I, too, shall say that mantra over and over.

    So I ended up buying jeans today, yay! Well, it's sort of a yay. I was at the Gap and I miraculously found a pair that I liked, they weren't as expensive as the $145 pair that I found that fit me like a charm at another store, but they're still $70. So the only real problem, other than that $70 thing, was that they were on the edge of being too short, and the nice sales lady told me they would shrink another 1/2 inch. Since they only carry long, and not extra long, at the Gap (I know, how could they be so rude and unjust?), I ended up ordering the XLs over the phone. I have a feeling they're going to be so long that the bottoms will drag and also they may very possibly go up to my tits since they are midrise, and not my usual ultra- low-rise. Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if they went over my boobs and touche my chin.

    Ah well. At least I made the move of purchasing jeans. And I swear I hope they work well for me.

    I'm sorry for the long story, I'm an asshole, I know it.

    I love you Mama and I hope the UTI goes away, STAT!

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  12. We're laughing with you Ms. Moon. Buying jeans is a daunting task, trying them on is depressing. Nothing fits, sizes are all over the place, but it is better than trying on swimsuits. It's the flourescent lighting. I try to limit clothes shopping to once a year with my sister, for moral support and size running. Otherwise we both give up. Lately I shop a lot online, and just mail back what doesn't fit. My time and sanity is worth the shipping.

    And you're not an asshole. You're writing about what you know. If you had no legs, I'd expect you to be bitching about that. I would.

    Hope the pee thing works itself out.
    Glad you survived the trip to the doctor and the store in one day, and glad you got to smell the baby head.

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  13. I just read like 3 of your posts at once and I feel great like when you've had a full, really delicious meal. You are so awesome. Your jeans better straighten up and look right on your sweet Southern ass. I command.

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  14. Now I feel bad for calling right after you wrote this to rant and complain. Sorry, mama, and I hope the follieing went well!

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  15. I absolutely love your posts. It's nice to see it staying real.

    I totally get you on inhaling that baby scent. It's second only to the baby scent and snuggle when said baby sleeps on one's chest. That's pure heaven there.

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  16. No need to apologise for any of that. What do we have these blogs for other than to share those feelings as well as the joy?

    Jeans shopping should be made a recognised torture. They could use it in Guantanamo now that waterboarding is out.

    Oh, and best of luck with your ladybits. May they blossom again soon.

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  17. Hiya My Dear Ms. Moon,
    I am glad you made it through the visit to the doc's. I hope your extremities will now return to normal.

    I am right with you on the weight thing. My jeans are so tight right now, that they are actually rubbing on me in an uncomfortable way in the inner-thigh region. But if I go out and get a bigger pair, it's like accepting the fat, right?

    I told May that my plan was to eat whenever I was hungry and stop when I got full, with no bingeing. Simple, right? So far, I've failed nearly every day. I'm headed for Marlon Brandohood. Seriously. And, of course, now that the cool weather has arrived, and the daylight is gone so early, I have even less desire than usual to take a damn walk.

    I am a fat motherfucker. Jesus.

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  18. Robin- I have more winter stuff to put into the garden myself. Cabbages, mainly. And more collards. Because the chickens LOVE them.
    Have overalls, will garden.

    Kori- So are they putting corn syrup in the water now? Because obviously, all of us can't be suddenly fat without A GOOD REASON FOR WHICH WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR!

    Ms. Fleur- Yeah. Snappy tune. Thanks!

    SJ- Yes. You might need a reference letter at some point. "SJ is a great employee but curses like a sailor."
    Congratulations on losing weight. I love being at my ideal weight because when I wake up in the morning I can think,"Yeah, I'm really depressed BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT FAT TODAY!"

    Elizabeth- You are welcome for the laugh. What's the deal with this Shred workout? I ain't doin' no damn workout that has the word "shred" in it. No way. But good luck with that.

    Ms. A- Yes. My lifetime jeans are men's Levis because obviously, I do not have a woman's body (code for: no waist). And yet, we MUST have our jeans. Jeans- The Uniform of Life!

    Mel's Way- I know. That's why I'm getting in there while the gettin' is good.

    Ginger- It works for me.

    Mel- I wish they only sold like two kinds of jeans. Then, whatever they looked like would have to do. But no, there have to be millions of types and washes and fits and it all just gives me fits. I need to go to Goodwill and just take carts-full of jeans into the dressing room.

    Maggie- Part of the problem is that I have no ass. I wish I did. In my next lifetime, I will have a nice, round ass.

    DTG- No. You can ALWAYS call me to rant. My problems were nothing but a bunch of silly stuff. Your problem is real and needs ranting about. Folleying went fine, although at this point it is mostly all symbolic of what is to come.

    Marsha- Yes. Because when the baby is on the chest, the head is right next to the nose. This is truly the epitome of joy and goodness.

    Mwa- That made me laugh. Thank-you.

    Ms. Bastard- No. It's the corn syrup in the water. Really!
    And yes- I feel that way about accepting the fatness but shit! One can't live being tortured by ones jeans. This is craziness!
    I love you no matter what size jeans you wear- you know that, right?

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  19. Lois- Yeah. Me too. Dammit. I wish it weren't so for us. Depression is STUPID! But I'm glad you like my blog. I really am.

    HoneyLuna- Who in their right mind can find the balls to charge over 100 dollars for jeans? Who buys these jeans? Who, in this economy can afford them and who can rationalize that? Well. I hope the Gap ones work and if they do, buy two pairs. Let's go to Goodwill and try on every damn pair on the rack!
    And perhaps we should add the mantra to our services here at Batshit Crazy.

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  20. Overalls. What a great idea. Also: I need a scale. My fat ass needs to get some idea of how fat it is. Although finally, it is shrinking. FINALLY.

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  21. This confessing to being sad is risky business. Because it can result in the lecture response. Which means guilt is layered onto depression.

    At that point, I get mad. And they are saying, "What the hail is wrong with her?" Can't win. I am sorry and I understand.

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  22. Not screaming OR crying in the dressing room whilst trying on the dreaded girdle jeans is definitely a successful day in my books!

    I came over from Lunasea. Can't wait to dig in and read more posts! The church of the batshit crazy may just have another convert...

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